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Here goes nothing…

Monday, August 16th, 2010

I’ll probably be too self-conscious once I get some sleep and delete this but…I’m going to try to leave it up.

Earlier this summer I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, ADHD, and a minor touch of OCD for good measure. Rapid-cycling is the “fun version” of bipolar–I can go from extreme euphoria to utter despair in as little a day for no reason….over and over…For years, I’ve known that I’ve had issues that I’ve struggled to deal with–but often thought of it as situational. The insomnia, the anxiety, my hands and legs shaking for no reason…I think this is part of the reason why I’ve always been running somewhere… always hoping that “if I can just start again it will be better” and not realizing that by and large, I’m the one bringing the problems to the party.

Looking back, I’ve realized how many friendships this has destroyed and how many people I’ve chased out of my life as a result of these “mood swings.” I honestly can’t say I blame them….hell, I didn’t know what was going on so why should I expect anyone else to deal with it? I guess I just got to the point to where I was tired of the breakdowns…especially during one a few months back I did something I definitely shouldn’t have.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed, slightly frightened and alone. Overwhelmed at knowing I have a lifelong illness that is going to constantly be a battle. Frightened that I might not achieve everything that I want. Alone, well, that’s self explanatory. I feel like I need to apologize to all those I’ve dragged through the muck over the years but I know it won’t matter.

All I can say is that I’m trying…that counts for something, right?

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Rilo Kiley – A better son/daughter

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fuckin on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
You’ll be better
And You’ll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

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Had a cup of tea, thought earl grey rocks

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Random: My First Earthquake is an amazing band…if you’re into Electropop // Indie Rock. That’s probably something I miss the most about WKU–Revolution 91.7…well that and Froggy’s.

I want to take a moment and thank the Lord for the new recent developments in my life. I’m always stubborn enough to try it all on my own–to somewhat disastrous results. However, when I surrender it up to Him great things happen.

One day. It’s amazing–and somewhat frightening–to think how much can change in a day. I feel truly blessed that in this time of uncertainty and recession that I have not one but two jobs that I already love even though its such a short time in. I’ve gone back and forth for about 7-10 years whether or not to do IT for a living. Like I posted earlier, it’s taken a few stops for me to realize this is what I want to do.

So, it looks like I’ll be staying in Owensboro for yet some time. The funny part? I will, probably, still be a student of Murray State University this fall–albeit finishing up my TSM degree online. Still need to work out the details on that one.

I might be slightly excited that my custom-built Dell Studio XPS 16 arrives tomorrow :)

  • i7 720qm
  • 6gb DDR3
  • ATI Mobility Radeon HD 5730 – 1GB
  • 500gb 7200rpm sata drive
  • and… a 9 cell battery for those long day

Am I allowing myself to get too excited about a piece of technology? Nah, it’s part of my life. I’ve learned to live with it.

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Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

My evening has been going on for far too long
Where is the dawn of a new day?

Finding the path taken long grown over
yet still walking deeper in–only to become more lost

Turning my gaze upward I’m reassured
finding the stars that shined down for so long vibrant and alive

They become a beacon and a hope
a fixture in my long journey

I might be far from home
but I always know where I am

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we will wade in the shine of the ever

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

It dawned on me today I’ve been out of high school for five years. Five schools and four cities later I’m back exactly where I started. I’ve been re-reading old journal entries and reflecting. So many great moments…so many mistakes made. Definitely lessons learned…

Good stuff though. Obviously in hindsight there are things I wish I would have done differently. Primarily friendships I wish I would have worked harder to strengthen. I was young and determined to do my own thing though. Right now I’m reading about studying for my telecommunications electronics final at the Log with John….pretty sure that was right before 12 Gadgets. Monday nights playing Spades…

I’ve burned more than my share of bridges but I’ve also made some wonderful friends these past few years.

Here”s to the future.

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and if you’re giving in, then you’re giving up

Monday, May 17th, 2010

Rilo Kiley – Don’t Deconstruct

//

You could just add them up
Then you could memorize prehistoric bones
And all of those old memories
You can push them out and prep yourself
For brand new information

Don’t deconstruct and then fill me in
I’m not that basic, I swear
I’ve had enough of breakdowns and diagrams

//

Another night passes and I’m still awake to see the sunrise.  The pressure has been building for some time and has recently burst. With every setback and failure it gets increasingly difficult to progress.  The desire to not repeat past mistakes becomes so overwhelming; inevitably the same thing happens again.

Without trying to sound overdramatic–the past six months…and in part the past few weeks, have been some of the most emotionally taxing moments I can recall. I’m frustrated of making plans without a solid foundation. The blueprint could be perfect but it seems like one strong wind knocks everything over…

I’ve been seeking that my entire adult life and while it appears I’m going about it the wrong way I know of no other.

one of these days

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so this is the new year…

Friday, January 1st, 2010

Oh but a few more days until class and work start back up. Well, the 4th for work…classes start in little over a week. Slightly excited about that. Slow, plodding, methodical, yet forward-moving steps towards graduation, haha.

This is the first new years I haven’t done anything / had company since I was 16. Friends invited me places, parties were available…I just had no desire to fight the crowd and be around a room full of drunks.  Worked on the development of that dream I posted and am surprised to see its coming along rather nicely.

It seems like my creative juices have been overflowing so I’m trying to make the most of it while I can. Maybe my mind is making up for being temporarily stuck…nothing much has been going on so maybe I’m creating my own world? Okay, it sounds frightening when put like that but I’m enjoying writing again. This past week or so has been dabbling in photoshop. It’s surprising how much can be learned in such a short amount of time. However, I never quite found my niche in the digital arts. Pretty much I just want to sit down and play with it…

My grandfather just got out of the hospital fairly recently–he had a severe blood clot in his leg and so we’ve been spending a little bit of time together. He let me borrow his acoustic-electric and I’ve been sitting down playing that. Having Eric and Aaron both in town has reignited my desire to learn to play.

Oh, I know I posted about Garfunkel and Oates but you should look at some of the separate short films of Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome as well…they can most all be found through a google search or on youtube. Definitely been a source of entertainment as of late.

Definitely feel myself going into hermit mode as of late. Not for any particular reason just one of those times where I’m in the mood for reflection. Ah, coffee is brewed…

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