insomnia

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Here goes nothing…

Monday, August 16th, 2010

I’ll probably be too self-conscious once I get some sleep and delete this but…I’m going to try to leave it up.

Earlier this summer I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder, ADHD, and a minor touch of OCD for good measure. Rapid-cycling is the “fun version” of bipolar–I can go from extreme euphoria to utter despair in as little a day for no reason….over and over…For years, I’ve known that I’ve had issues that I’ve struggled to deal with–but often thought of it as situational. The insomnia, the anxiety, my hands and legs shaking for no reason…I think this is part of the reason why I’ve always been running somewhere… always hoping that “if I can just start again it will be better” and not realizing that by and large, I’m the one bringing the problems to the party.

Looking back, I’ve realized how many friendships this has destroyed and how many people I’ve chased out of my life as a result of these “mood swings.” I honestly can’t say I blame them….hell, I didn’t know what was going on so why should I expect anyone else to deal with it? I guess I just got to the point to where I was tired of the breakdowns…especially during one a few months back I did something I definitely shouldn’t have.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed, slightly frightened and alone. Overwhelmed at knowing I have a lifelong illness that is going to constantly be a battle. Frightened that I might not achieve everything that I want. Alone, well, that’s self explanatory. I feel like I need to apologize to all those I’ve dragged through the muck over the years but I know it won’t matter.

All I can say is that I’m trying…that counts for something, right?

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Rilo Kiley – A better son/daughter

Saturday, August 14th, 2010

And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fuckin on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fuckin cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
You’ll be better
And You’ll be smarter
And More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

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and if you’re giving in, then you’re giving up

Monday, May 17th, 2010

Rilo Kiley – Don’t Deconstruct

//

You could just add them up
Then you could memorize prehistoric bones
And all of those old memories
You can push them out and prep yourself
For brand new information

Don’t deconstruct and then fill me in
I’m not that basic, I swear
I’ve had enough of breakdowns and diagrams

//

Another night passes and I’m still awake to see the sunrise.  The pressure has been building for some time and has recently burst. With every setback and failure it gets increasingly difficult to progress.  The desire to not repeat past mistakes becomes so overwhelming; inevitably the same thing happens again.

Without trying to sound overdramatic–the past six months…and in part the past few weeks, have been some of the most emotionally taxing moments I can recall. I’m frustrated of making plans without a solid foundation. The blueprint could be perfect but it seems like one strong wind knocks everything over…

I’ve been seeking that my entire adult life and while it appears I’m going about it the wrong way I know of no other.

one of these days

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Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

My poor computer desk–its been through a lot. The trim is starting to fall off, the base has to be propped up and not to mention the squeak that not even wd-40 can get rid of…Ha, it’s been a good desk though. Made it through everyplace I’ve moved over the years. At least I got a new computer chair…

Good things are on the horizon: Hopefully. I have a seasonal job at Sears right now which is boring but is employment…Two interviews were had today and I felt both went well.

My sleeping schedule is officially non-existent again (go figure) and I’m trying to cut back on the caffeine intake to compensate.I find myself slowly sinking back into geekdom–we’ll see how this goes.

Other than work I’ve been playing an insane amount of Modern Warfare 2…I don’t get the controversy surrounding the “No Russian” mission where you slaughter innocent civilians during a terrorist attack inside an airport. It’s a video game. GTA depicts countless violence against innocents and Washington D.C gets absolutely ravaged in MW2. On top of which, the mission is key to the entire plot of the game.

Well, its December now. 2009 is finally drawing its way to a close and I have to admit I’m looking forward to the new year. This year has sucked in pretty much every way imaginable haha. Hopefully with smart choices and a little bit luck on my side next year will be better!

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Fall into the century of supersonic cross…

Friday, November 13th, 2009

I was looking through my old cds and I stumbled across one of my former favorite albums. Daisies of the Galaxy by the eels always takes me back to a simpler time…a more joyful time. Sitting around w/ my brother and his wife. Incense burning, a glass of wine on the table and playing Spite & Malice for hours on end.

Fall is slowly creeping past us and winter is approaching. I’m not ready for it yet. I went out for a drive to a secluded place right outside of town…It’s a spot I go often during this time of year. Quiet, peaceful, just the crisp air and a clear sky above. It’s my go-to place when I want to get away from it all but can’t drive very far.I suppose that is one advantage to winter. Clean air and a clear sky–the stars seem to shine just a little brighter.

On a more positive note I finally got my car back and it looks better than ever. Runs smoothly and nary a dent on it. Although I do miss the sound system in my loaner car.

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we want spectacular views

Sunday, April 20th, 2008

Week 2 of training over
< 1mth until my birthday
and a little less than a month until I go see Radiohead

While I was at the hotel I finished up Flight to Canada by Ishmael Reed– this postmodern satire about slavery…not really set in a fixed time. It’s set around the Civil War but throw in some Jumbo jets and helicopters. I brought my school books with me but didn’t get too much studying done…Wound up calling a few friends from Louisville and grabbing some supper / walking around aimlessly and I was once again reminded of why I shouldn’t eat ice cream cones in public. =P

I was SOMEWHAT productive and finished up a couple of the psych homework assignments that we have to turn in before the end of school. On a related note, it’s official and I’m scheduled. I’ll have my associates for sure at the end of December…just a matter of figuring out where to go after that. Also, I got some really good news relating to that but I’m gonna see what happens first. Damn irish superstition!

Everyone in my training class is starting to get a little antsy–I know I am. Ready to hit the floor and go running! After our class was over Saturday I wound up driving down to Lexington and meeting up with my old friend Chrissie. It’s been so long since I’ve been that direction it was slightly like I was stepping backwards in time. The “blue bank” skyscraper shining like a beacon letting me know I was about home. Without conscious thought my car was driving itself back towards the Yellow House. The windows were boarded up and a large “For Rent” sign stood in the front yard. Somehow I wasn’t surprised that its still vacant. I hated living in that house, I truly did, but as Chrissie pointed out later that night…We’ve got a lifetime of stories that happened in those four months. one of my friends told me I should write a book about everything that happened there…said at the very least it’d make for a good show on MTV =P

It is slightly funny..or maybe interesting that though I was in Lexington, with the exception of the house, nothing there reminded me of anything in that town. If that makes any sense.

Still, the night was good and was spent in the way that two old friends who haven’t seen each other in ages should. Copious amounts of coffee, mixed with nostalgic stories that somehow become funny now that it’s all in the past. Politics, literature, current events… this is my buddy who I used to skip first period at Apollo with to go sit at a diner, drink some coffee and finish up our papers.. haha. Before long, it’s 5am and time to call it a night I vaguely thought about driving straight home so I could catch the sun rise. Windows down, arm propped up on the window watching the sun rise over the fields? Perfect…except I determined I needed some sleep and wound up leaving the next afternoon.

The drive back was still enjoyable, a perfect spring day. It was pretty nice actually seeing green (and a couple of blooms) on the way back… I like to think this trip put a lot of things in perspective. Everything happens for a reason.

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I’m reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.

Sunday, March 30th, 2008

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night thinking it’s morning and it’s time to get up? Yeah, not much fun. I figured I’d make some tea and see if anything interesting is happening online. Not so much.Speaking of interesting… I do have a couple of new projects on the back burner. One: I want to learn Spanish. Really, I’d like to learn a couple of foreign languages to help out in future travels but…I’ve also learned not to bite off more than I can chew ;) Besides, I don’t have the best track record with Spanish..lol.

I met up with my writing instructor during her office hours the other day and had a pretty good talk…she suggested some books for my reading list and they all look pretty good. One of the things we really got into was how we both missed the college atmosphere. She just got her masters and I’ve been to MSU and UK. The cool thing about a college town was meeting up with people with different majors. Learn bits and pieces of something you’d never normally know. Especially with strangers. It’s cliche but it was a good way to start conversation with people on campus. At a community college everyone is pretty much in the same boat…Unless you’re in Nursing. They have so much specific information they have to learn its insane. I have nursing students on both sides of me in my developmental psych class and when they start talking about work I’m clueless…although it is nice to listen. Random: How come in that class there’s only two guys? Me and Caleb that’s it. I’m kinda surprised by that. Okay, I’m starting to ramble…I think the tea is doing its work. Back to bed.

Oh, and in another bit of randomness–I had to shutoff the breaker to my wall unit. It seems somehow the heat is constantly running, even when the knob is set to Air or Off. heh. Go figure.

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